Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.