as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
#SCOTUS one-star review
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.