Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

murder on the timeline

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.