As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Meanwhile in Portland…
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.