As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
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Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Okay me first
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*