As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers