Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

ㅤ

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face