As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
okay run it by me one more time
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.