As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”