As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
They’re the worst 😩
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
