As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
When I can’t barge, I careen.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.