Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nose

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.