As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(