As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m the neighbor
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.