As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
There are no pants in heaven.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
