as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
What a chick magnet..
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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