as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Did I do this right
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk