as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
happy friday
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
i will avenge u mr van gogh
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.