As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
A friend helps you before you need it
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now