Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Things will get butter, keep churning

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

wtf management?!

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

My work here is done

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?