As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Shoo shoo! 😂
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities