Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

incredible book dedication

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

me watching my own Instagram story

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.