As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…