As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
A comic by Dan Piraro
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.