Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.