As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Oddly specific
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
wtf management?!
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear