Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

I’ll be mad as hell!

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!