Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

thinking about this

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.