As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Said the murderer.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.