Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

I thought this was funny lol

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?