Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.

Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂