Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My support group can outdrink your support group.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?