As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.