Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Do one thing every day that scares people.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

ㅤ

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?