As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!