Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Home #decor warning.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.