Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

My dress code is business-casualty.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.