As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
that de-escalated quickly
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.