As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
