As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Nose
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.