As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.