As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.