as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?