as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?