as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
that’s really how it is
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape