Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Same post same
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.