As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
