As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
blocked.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Saturday
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
