As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
