[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
You Might Also Like
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.