[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
You Might Also Like
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
inventing words: clothing
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
umm…
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.