[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
