[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Cause of death: Zumba
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood