As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
You Might Also Like
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Cashiers are always checking me out
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…