As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
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I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
