As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating