As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
You Might Also Like
Name another movie that mislead you?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Doggies just call it style.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Last-minute gift idea!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.