As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
How dude HOW?!
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…