As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Am I having a stroke?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.