As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You Might Also Like
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Churches be like pew pew pew
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
What a website
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess