As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
I’m going to need a moment here.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*