Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet