Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Someone just threatened to call me later

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I occasionally drink every single night.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!