As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Expect the unexporcupine.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
*bites zombie*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Seas the day!!!!
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