As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Go gym
The best shot in the history of golf
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.