Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

Matt Goss

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.