Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency