As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”