As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
You Might Also Like
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.