As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
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Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Hard not to take this personally
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Hot Hot Hot
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.