As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
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Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
pizza
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.