As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
back to work
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
#IWishIHadNever noticed
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.