as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*looks at you in batman voice*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I WON A HAM TODAY
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
The three genders.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Note to self: I am a note
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
It’s on my to-do list.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
